Look for the Beauty, not the Spots

As we launched into the Behavior Management part of the CLASS assessment at our recent Reflective Practice group, I shared this story…

A young couple about to be married went to meet with their pastor for the expected premarital counseling session.  After waiting in the outer lobby, they were invited into the pastor’s office.  He asked them, “While you were waiting, did you notice the beautiful rug in the lobby area?”  They replied, “Yes, we did.  It is beautiful!”  The pastor then asked, “Did you also notice the spot in the corner of the rug?”  “No” said the couple.  The pastor explained to them, “Well, I know it’s there and it’s all I notice.  My advice for your marriage is this:  Always look for the beauty, not the spots.”

What we focus on expands.  What we focus on is what we get more of.  If we focus on children’s misbehavior, we are likely to get more of the same.  If we notice the “spots” we will just see them more.

Picture this scenario…  During circle time there is one child who just isn’t going with the program.  S/he might be wiggling around, making faces, refusing to cooperate and distracting all the other children.  So often what I see is all the attention going to that child.  “We are waiting for you to sit quietly so we can start”  or “Please sit still now so we can get going”  or maybe the teacher going over to that child to try to get him/her “in line” with the circle time.  Of course, what often happens is that child continues with the misbehavior.  What we focus on expands! 

Most misbehavior is attention seeking behavior, right?  In that scenario – the child is succeeding by getting all the teacher’s attention.

Instead, try giving the attention/focus on what you want to see more of.  Focus on the positive behavior.  “I like the way Hannah and Raj are sitting so nicely ready for circle time”…  As soon as that child who was disruptive settles in – then “I like the way ____ is sitting”.  The beauty, not the spots.

In the CLASS you will see:

Reinforcement of positive behavior (Toddler CLASS)

Attention to the positive (PreK CLASS)

Think about a child that challenges you.  That child that knows how to push your buttons or irritate you on a regular basis.  Now picture that child in your mind and look for the beauty instead of the spots.  The next time you see that child, focus on the beauty and see what happens!